A Hole Behind You

[LadyLeatherneck]

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.

He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?

She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[frostypeters]

That's just my kind of intelligent, "high-brow" humor we like to see on this forum...:angelic:

[yahoo]

that was great..........thanks needed to laugh!!!!!!!!! been working non stop again....

[gypsygirl]

Funny stuff there LL!!!

[sprayandpray]

:rotflol::rotflol:

[underground quester]

That's just my kind of intelligent, "high-brow" humor we like to see on this forum...:angelic:



Yes, now LL get out there and find more just like it.
That's an order Marine!!!

[LadyLeatherneck]

OooooooooooooooK, but are you sure you want what I can get? Marines can sometimes be a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitle bit crude! (Most would make a sailor blush!) Let me know, I won't post until I hear from you!

[LadyLeatherneck]

OK, this one is relatively safe:

Timing


A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He
sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car
and
sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine and a
young
woman on the rear seat knitting. Somewhat puzzled by this surprising
situation, the cop walks over to the car and knocks at the window.

The young man lowers his window. "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is she
doing?"

The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

The cop is very confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and
nothing
obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and says: "She'll be eighteen in
twenty
minutes

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Another safe one:

Kids
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What
are
you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little
nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I
was
born. Couldn't walk for a year .

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Cute!

Doctors Visit
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar; which was as clean and empty as on the previous
day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like
this-First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with
her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing.
We even
called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
hands,
then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still
nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the jar open."


AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Joke
One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when
they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the
lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came
out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have
been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one
wish".
Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " ill take the first wish, I
want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui, I also want
to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf
and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.
Now it was the SSgt's turn....he said "I want two million dollars, a
beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida, I also want to be
discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach
with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke...the SSgt was gone.
The genie now looking at the Gunny says...."and what do you want kind
Sir?" without a moment of hesitation.... with his hands on his hips staring
the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says...." I want those two
clowns back at the shop after chow".

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Kinda Funny
How Many Sergeants Does It Take To Fill A Sand Bag:






None Thats What Pvt, Pfc's And Lcpl's Are For

[LadyLeatherneck]

HEE HEE HEE
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money
more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his
wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put
it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife
with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him... Well he
finally died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her,
she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her
friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool
enough to put all that money in there with that man... She said,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna
put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put
that money in the casket with the man?"... " I sure did," said the
wife. "'I wrote him a check."

[LadyLeatherneck]

The Car
This is a true story

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, " I
have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat
shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it
dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into
the car and then drove to the police station. The
sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the
counter where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and
carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS!

Sempers,

Roger

[Hurricane9]

Kinda Funny
How Many Sergeants Does It Take To Fill A Sand Bag:






None Thats What Pvt, Pfc's And Lcpl's Are For

Amen to that one.

:yelclap:

[LadyLeatherneck]

For All Smart Women
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Perdpective Jail vs Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a
bit more clear . .

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for
yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

So............... why is it again that we work ?

Remember folks, this is just a joke don't try this at home!
If you are at work, forward at your own risk.

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Hit a Pig
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Police
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting
many. He then discovered the problem: a 10-year old boy was standing
up
the
road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The
officer
then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
"TIPS"
and a
bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade).

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated
radar zone. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
the
police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
mailed
photo of handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you
are
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball. " He
replied,
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while
she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his
book,
got back on his motorcycle and left.

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Not Necessarily My Opinion And A Little Caution May Be Needed:

Bad American
George Carlin's I'm a BAD American:


I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the
Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a fool.

I 'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Crash Dummy
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
newsletter
of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This
is
a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......


Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following
details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of
the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story
building.
when I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather
than
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the
sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will
note
in Block
11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward
at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed
only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this
time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
the
rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the
same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side
of
the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry
to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope
this answers your inquiry.

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Trade in Value
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in
value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Problem Person.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now
THAT'S a
message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want
to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving
me
lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've
stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on
the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss
America?

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

The Fair
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs
50
dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Morris and Esther
went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I
don't
ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks,
I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can
stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge
you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did
all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed,
the
pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell
out,
but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Guaranteed to make you smile...Especially since It's a True Story...
This was sent to me by my Lil Sis....

~ ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
~ HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. ~ BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
~ MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
~HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
~ OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
~ ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
~ MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
~ IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
~ HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
~ "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

> > TRUE STORY.

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Fine
Dave, a farmer in Kentucky, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident)
to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Dave.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer.


Dave responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the
question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
accident?"

Dave said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
was
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman
on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him
to
simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Dave's answer and said
to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule,
Bessie."

Dave thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had
just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in
terrible shape just by her groans.

"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. "After he looked
at her
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked
at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'"

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE
Three blondes are sitting in a bar chanting "51 days."

After a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, for the past 3 hours you have been sitting here chanting 51 days. Why?"

The blondes stop chanting and look up.

"Well," says one of the blondes, "we just finished a puzzle."

"So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked.

"Well, the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 51 days,"

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Funny Instruction Labels
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as
far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the
box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if
we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the
translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood
belief.)

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

George Carlin Quotes
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
ambiguity...A few statements to ponder... George Carlin
Quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still
wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be
able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go
back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still
#2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to
do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
them?

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

THIS ONE'S FOR ALL YOU FLORIDA LOCATORS:

You Know you are in Florida during the summertime when
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and

add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Cool Seals vs Marines
A Navy SEAL walks into a Marine bar near Camp LeJeune and announces loudly, "I hear you Marines are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll pay five hundred dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Jack Daniels back-to-back." The room falls quiet and no one takes the SEAL's
offer.

One Marine gets up and leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Marine who left shows back up and taps the SEAL on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Marine. "Yep," replies the SEAL; and he asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Jack Daniels. Immediately, the Marine slams all ten shots, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the SEAL sits down in amazement. The SEAL pays the Marine the five hundred dollars and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?" The Marine replies, "Oh .. I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first!"

God Bless America and the United States Marine Corps
Once a Marine, Always a Marine

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

The Regular!!!!
A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Monkey Bar
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

Two fer One Friday!
Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker's Soul

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all
of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their
dreams
would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is better that I drink
this
beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
liver."
* Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
* Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
sober.
* William Butler Yeats

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
* Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
* Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
* W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Henry Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of
the
time and have the time of your life.
* Michelle Mastrolacasa

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Stephen Wright

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
* Frank Zappa

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
* Benjamin Franklin

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
* Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
* Kaiser Wilhelm

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group.
* Anonymous

Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
From Doug Katcos

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

More later............

[gypsygirl]

Those are REALLY FUNNY LL!!

[yahoo]

i would have to assume that someone is a beer drinker????

[sprayandpray]

All I have to say is that is one smart monkey:eek::jumpinsmile:

[MidnightElectric]

I never met a Marine who did'nt drink beer.

[beyond help]

Thank you for the jokes. I'm watching some Carlin right now.:smiliedance: