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underground quester
July 7th, 2008, 04:54 AM
Although the only person a man shops for is his wife, the whole experience is a stressful one. Many of us has felt extreme frigid temperatures for a long period of time based on a poor gift decision. As a veteran of these wars I am still not sure WHAT TO buy my wife but I'll pass on my ideas of WHAT NOT to buy her.

1) Don't buy anything that plugs in. Anything that plugs in is seen as utilitarian.

2) Don't buy clothing. That involves sizes. The chances are one in SEVEN THOUSAND that you will get her size right, and she'll probably be offended the other 6,999 times. "Do I look like a size 16?" she'll say. Too small a size won't cut it either: "I haven't worn a size 8 in 20 years why would you think I was a size 8?"

3) Avoid all things useful. A new silver polish advertised to save hundreds of hours is not going to win you any brownie points.

4) Don't buy anything that involves weight loss or self improvement. She'll perceive a six month membership to a health club as a suggestion she is overweight.

5) Don't buy jewellery. The jewellery your wife wants you cannot afford. And the jewellery you CAN afford, she does not want.

6) And guys, do not fall into the traditional trap of buying frilly underwear for her. Your idea of the kind your wife should wear and what she actually wears are light years apart.

7) Finally, do not spend too much. "How do you think we're going to afford that?" she'll say. But do not spend too little either she won't say anything but she'll think, "is that all I am worth?" For more info on this latter point see Gypsy girls post of April 27 - "9 words women use". Point # 3 should give you an idea of what's coming down the turnpike.

:confused: :confused: :angelic:


Hope this helps!

(reprinted without permission from an article by Herb Foster in the PATENT TRADER - Cross River, N.Y.)

UULC
July 7th, 2008, 10:18 AM
Well put. Anything other and it could be a cold and very frigid summer!!

yahoo
July 8th, 2008, 12:18 AM
cant win either way..............damned if you do damned if you don't .....she's mad again that comment was seen as negative.......

Goldenboy
July 8th, 2008, 02:29 AM
I've learned that a gift certificate to the mall works for all occasions.

Wingfoot
July 9th, 2008, 05:19 AM
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up in bed to find his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order; spotless and clean. Marty notices the entire house is spotless. He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

Marty walks to the kitchen to find a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is at the table, eating.

Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom. When she tried to take your pants off, you said,
“Lady, leave me alone! I’m married!”
-----
A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing at the right time - PRICELESS!

Wingfoot
July 9th, 2008, 05:33 AM
I've learned that a gift certificate works for all occasions.
A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. And besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a gift certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said the fellow.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling -
‘I’ll be back in an hour!”

underground quester
July 9th, 2008, 05:40 AM
:yelclap: :yelclap: :yelclap: L.M.A.O. Wing. Great find!! TIMES TWO